i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
