I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
