no, he came in my armpit
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
