i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
