M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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