My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
