Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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