Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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