I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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