Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
