Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
