Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How does one acquire holy water?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize