Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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