i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize