don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
