pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
