So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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