i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We are two peas in an std pod
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
