I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So much rum. So many feels.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
