We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
