i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
