I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
