How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
