you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
