I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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