i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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