you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
