so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you didnt know i had herpes?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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