I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize