well I can't set my house on fire every night
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
