I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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