Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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