my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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