she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
