I am puke
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
