____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
