Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
