So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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