Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
