Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
