I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
