I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You were trust falling into bushes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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