i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
