please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
