I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
