I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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