She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
