You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
