I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
