I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
it's great music for shaving your balls
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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