I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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