Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
high people should be assigned attendants
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
