Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
