He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize