when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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