My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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