I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
